Ball Licker Bill Reviews- The Human Centipede

B@#l-Licker Bill from The Darryn Yates Show reviews:

The Human Centipede

Recently the lunatics at The Mayhem Network and I came up with an idea. I told them that if they chose a movie, I would watch it and offer a review of said movie on The Darryn Yates Show on Saturday mornings. Not thinking these guys would make my first movie one that would tax my nerves and ask me if they had just bad taste or a diabolical sense of humor, I discovered during the watching of this movie that they had both.

The film opens with Dr. Hieter (played by Dieter Laser) looking at pictures of his (we will soon learn) beloved animals and gently stroking the pictures. Oddly enough these dogs are pictured with their noses in each other’s asses. A large truck pulls up behind the good doctor and a heavy set man goes off to take what will be his last dump, for the doctor it would seem is a serial killer and shoots him. Cut to two young women (Can anyone tell me why it is that only American women in foreign lands fall prey to and become victims of these psychos? Aren’t there men who are just as stupid because they think with their dicks as opposed to their brains?) These women have met a hot young German waiter and are looking to party with him (Oh the clichés this movie tosses out in the hope of not insulting you)
And on to another cliché, the two women are driving in, you might have guessed it, the woods! And if you guessed that then guessing that they might be lost should come as no surprise. Add a Wrong Turn, The Hills have eyes remake twist and a flat tire leads us to more cliché induced chaos. Is there no end to this? Yes and no. A fat and ugly German man insisting that he’s seen them in a wank-wank film kindly offers verbally to fuck them both and emphasizes this point by flicking his tongue at them. Oh the horror! Let’s get out of the car and look for a house because we haven’t covered dark woods and houses in the middle of the woods where you can wreak havoc and mayhem without anyone catching you is sure to make an appearance. After a pathetically acted argument that leads to tantrums, all we need is sudden rain and we have all the makings for the plot to reveal itself.

Here comes the rain, there’s the house, and after finally finding the front door, our maniacal villain who looks as if Christopher Walken and Lance Henriksen got together, had passionate butt sex and then made a butt baby, opens the door and “offers” to help. His idea of help is to give them water laced with date rape drugs, make it seem as if he is calling someone, and then springing the trap. Fat trucker is still alive, though not for long, and the women soon realize that they are in the capable hands of a madman. Fat boy has to die because what horror movie made entirely in low budget with bad actors and little to no imagination in plot or special effects would be complete without the non native tongue speaking or even American speaking tourist. This comes in the form of a Japanese man who makes more claims than he can make sense of.

The good doctor then reveals his plan, at what has to be an ingenious attempt to try and act, at length. He has no desire to answer questions as the procedure goes, so he reveals that there will be a head to this human centipede. Attached, rather intricately I might add, to the ass of the head will be the head of the middle of the body. The last of this tortured trio will make the centipedes ass. How you might ask will the two with their mouths literally sewn to the asses eat? I didn’t want to admit to my need to know but didn’t have to because the doctor explains that the head will eat. The head will then shit, thus feeding the middle who will repeat the process. All I will say is that when the poor Japanese bastard does finally have to shit, his apologies almost make up for the rest of the terrible acting. The doctor seems a little too eager to watch the process take place.

Is there more? Yes. Is there an end to this movie and then this review? Yes. And I was thankful for at least one. After the successful procedure is done, we get to witness his vainglorious torture of these three people, culminating in the long overdue and much needed appearance of the police who want to know if the doctor has seen the missing tourists. If you said he lied, you don’t have to watch this movie. If you guessed wrong, you have to watch it for being stupid. He tries to drug the police, one of which is too smart to be drugged, and is almost found out. You desperately wish the film maker would have let this happen to justify the needless money wasted on renting it or the time it took to illegally download it, but alas, no such wish will be granted for you foolish mortal.

The end is a cliché that has been done, redone, raped, raped again, murdered, brought back to life and then sent through the vicious cycle all over again. I want to spoil it for you. But if I do then you won’t feel the need to watch it so that you can see what I have left out in the synopsis of the film or my refusal to tell you how it all ends. I will say though that out of the horror (The horror being that they labeled this a horror film) I did feel badly for one of the characters.

So in all, what would I say about this? I would like to tell you that reliving the first time I got fucked in the ass, and the pain I went through to get to the part where there would be pleasure would have been a decent comparison, but I would rather go through that ordeal all over again before I decide to sit and watch the sequel or any other movie this bad. Many of you will not know the name Fu Manchu, or even Christopher Lee who played the role in a movie, but The Castle of Doctor Fu Manchu would have been easier to watch than this movie. In truth, I would rather watch four hours of lesbian sex scenes in adult porn than have to endure this movie again. It offered nothing but stereotypes and a doctor who needed sunglasses to go outside whether rain or shine. See this movie at your own risk. If a friend or a loved one rents it and tells you that they want you to watch it with them, exact a price that they must pay for making you and don’t sell yourself short. I look forward to the next movie the boys at the Mayhem Network come up with and I will see you next week.