Darryn Yates, President and Co-Creator of The Mayhem Network, hinted at a few announcements coming to TMN this past Wednesday on the Too Heavy to Skydive podcast. The full announcement with all the details will be coming later in the week.

Go HERE to listen to the full interview.

Darryn joins Fred Slow on his Too Heavy to Skydive podcast and talks about TMM, hints at a couple upcoming announcements, the status of On Tracy Lane, his time in LA, a couple crazy stories from his past, and more.

Check out tooheavytoskydive.com for more

My name is Ball Licker Bill. At the Darryn Yates Show there are the Decorators, of which I lovingly and jokingly refer to three of them as my “handlers” We have Darryn, the Kaptain who leads us all on week after week with new adventures, who swears I still want him. Then we have Jay, who handles me with fairness and good judgment by turning off my microphone when I get too lippy. Then last, but not least we have Jerry who flashes a smile and makes the odd comment here and there knowing that either or will start a new tirade of epic proportion. Individually, these fools can be handled with ease so great it dares not be measured. Combined forces however always remind me of how devoted I am to two out of the three with the third not far behind. That’s what friendships do, they remind us of how far we will go to help or destroy each other. Which is why when I conveyed my displeasure over Johnny Depp and Tim Burton turning a classic soap opera into a movie, these three decided that indeed, mainstream movies were the way to go with my reviews. And thusly, this week’s scathing review of “Dark Shadows” begins.

With a running time of one hundred and thirteen minutes, Depp and Burton manage to take a beloved camp classic that was never intended to be camp, never knew if it would endure the tests of time, and certainly never dreamed it would give birth to a cult like following, and turn it into a piece of garbage so bad that even “Trash Humpers” and “The Human Centipede” are almost forgivable. The film takes us into the life of one Barnabas Collins, a wealthy man who made the mistake of (Insert appropriate sexual term here) and (Same term thank you) over the wrong woman who happens to be a witch. They say hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. As far as the plot to this film is concerned, this is true. But that same hell knows no fury like a Ball Licker being insulted. The woman scorned, Angelique, decides to kill Barnabas’s parents first, and then Josette, the woman to who he spurned her for for the sake of “true love”. But in the process of killing her, Angelique manages to somehow turn Barnabas into a vampire and then proceeds to have the whole town turn against him and chain him in a coffin for a period of no less for a hundred and ninety six years.

Once released Barnabas goes home, literally, to find his once beautiful house in ruin and disrepair with four remaining Collins left. Elizabeth the matriarch, Roger the thieving lech, David, Roger’s son David, and Carolyn, Elizabeth’s daughter with an attitude. Also in residence are Victoria Winters (Oh I’m sorry her name is really Maggie Evans who I was sure wasn’t in the movie)and Dr. Julia Hoffman a raving drunk who will become infatuated with Barnabas. Angelique (Now insultingly referred to as Angie) over the one hundred and ninety six years has taken over Collinsport and made quite a name for herself and is taken back by learning that Barnabas has been freed and sets out to either have him or destroy him. Are we clear on the plot? Oh good.

And now, the review you’ve all been waiting to read.

This is an insult! An insult to Dan Curtis who created the original series. An insult to the fine actors and actresses who over the course of five long years worked tirelessly to give their generation a break in their mundane lives. An insult to later generations who found the original endearing and the revived series a darker, more intensely brooding child. Here we have Johnny Depp taking a beloved character and keeping him prim and proper even when he finds himself killing for the sake of satiating a blood thirst or just because they just happened to hear more than they should. Here we have a once brilliant talent in the form of Helena Bonham Carter reduced to a bad wig, too much powdered make up, and a need to insult Grayson Hall’s portrayal of Julia by quoting doctor/patient confidentiality and then going down on Barnabas. Then we have Lara Parker insulted as Eva Green takes the character Angelique and turns her into a constantly divided and vindictive slut who has a demonic tongue and a desire to put her panties on Barnabas’s face. When she weakens, she becomes like an antique doll who cracks and falls apart. Not even Michelle Pfieffer, who shall remain blameless for her part in this, could measure up to the talent of Joan Bennett who played the original Elizabeth (May she rest in peace) Collins Stoddard. The writers decided that she should be an iron clad bitch with no secrets keeping her house bound and willing to take Barnabas at his word because he was able to produce a small fortune hidden away.

In short, I am keeping this review short because I was asked nicely to. If you want to know how else I really felt about this movie, give a listen to the next episode of The Darryn Yates Show where I have been promised by Jerry I would have the time I needed to really let loose my feelings. But as for here, I can but say this. Burton and Depp should never collaborate again. If they choose to work with each other in future, be it on their heads which should in fact be lobotomized. If you choose to go and see this movie, may whatever god you believe in have mercy on your soul. It is a waste of money that could be better spent seeing The Avengers. Or if you really want to waste your money, go to White Castle, order the largest meal they have, eat it, and then pray it comes out nicely for this movie is like a hung over experience at White Castle. You have no idea what you did or why, but you can at least blame something. Until the next movie, which is up in the air, this is Ball Licker Bill saying, chime in and tell me what you think I should see.

The Mayhem Network is powered by The Decorators. Here are 7 photos to make you feel close to them and safe from boring-ass entertainment in our city and beyond.

At the Mayhem Network and the Darryn Yates show, we strive with all our might to bring you many different points of view. Some of those points even have a tendency to be a bit on the cynically eccentric side thanks to me, Ball Licker Bill. Well nothing’s changed. I still piss, I still moan, and I still offer a cynical view on the world and all that inhabit it. I especially love to rip apart movies. And as we all know, recently The Decorators and I came to an understanding that in order to be a fair and seemingly impartial critic, even I needed to get out of my house to go and pay to see a movie. This way if I didn’t like it, I would have more ammunition in my arsenal. But even I, the greatest of all that is jaded and cynical despise it when I pay semi decent money to see a movie and walk out feeling good about the fact that I did it. Such is the case with this week’s review of The Avengers.

It is my fervent hope that I don’t have to do a background history for you guys, so I’m going on what little faith I have left in any of you and simply remind you that The Avengers are a group of heroes created by the manic genius of Mr. Stan Lee. In it we have such heroes like Thor, Captain America, Iron Man, The Hulk, Hawkeye, and heroine du jour The Black Widow. And who better to lead this rag tag motley crew of snarkier towards each other than all of the Decorators in a playful mood than one Mr. Nick Fury played by the incomparable Samuel L. Jackson who was burdened with the task of not being able to use the word mother $%&#@*. Don’t worry Samuel. At least you got to be restrained in a movie that was brilliant. Poor Dennis Hopper had to hold his tongue in one of the worst movies made, Super Mario Brothers. And this group has to do battle with the likes of Thor’s adopted brother (inside joke that you’ll have to see the movie to appreciate)Loki.

That’s pretty much all of a plot as you’re like to get from me as revealing too much more would give away the great amount of action, comedy, and storytelling. I will simply say this. All of the questions you might have had after seeing Iron Man, Thor, and Captain America are literally all answered. Stars that could not make an appearance are explained away in a gentle way that befits their characters. There are supporting actor’s characters that are given more depth this time around than they were in the previous “origin” films. And the main characters are all given equal amounts of screen time, intrigue, storylines, and dialogue. This actually includes the villain who in previous films of old have never been given the chance to really shine because writers often times forget that in order to have any kind of a real action movie, you need a villain that rules the screen when he or she is on it. And here Tom Hiddleston gives a better performance to his character Loki than he did in the previous film Thor. In fact all of the actors and actresses give their characters more life in this film than in their origin films which to this critic have a tendency to make me snore as I fall asleep watching them.

So in the end, despite my hesitations, and severely strong desire to walk out of the theater seething with Hulk like rage wanting either my money back or unnamed members of the Decorator staff to remove their shirts to appease my heathen gay self as compensation, I can honestly say it was money well spent on my part as far as the price of the ticket was concerned. See it in 2 or 3D, whichever floats your boat. I am from old school days and have no desire to sit through 3D when all I can do is be disappointed at the fact that any ass shots, and for women and gay men alike there were some fine from behind shots, still fall into the realm of look but can’t touch. As for the cost of wandering up to the concession stand where those vixens and weavers of sexual promiscuity flaunt themselves at you in the hopes that you’ll spend a little more, I have to continually eat that because there is no compensation there. So by all means, go out and see this movie once, twice, three times if you feel the need to. I can say with all fairness that it would be worth seeing a couple of times. Oh and as an aside…..stay for the entire end credits. It’s worth it for two reasons. All I will say is that a sequel looks to be in the works and at the end simplywatch, think to yourself how many times have you felt this way, and as you do I dare you not to laugh so hard you damn near piss yourself. I almost did.

So until next week when the ill fated day of reviewing the latest botch by Tim Burton, Dark Shadows is upon me beating me half to death, go out into the world and make sure that you contribute to what could be another blockbuster summer of hit movies. Be sure to log on to the Mayhem Network and tell us what you thought of this movie and how you think I might react to Dark Shadows given that those of you who follow us on the Darryn Yates Show already know how I feel. And while you’re there, give a shout out to the other Decorators, and give Beaver Wallace’s blog a read. The man is multi talented in many respects and has decided to let us know from time to time what irks him. What he had to say was nothing less than brilliant.

Because of this, there is no new show this week. Here is the video we put together that kinda summed up the day, along with pics of the Decorators’ cars. If you have pics or video from the storm, send em our way. We’ll gladly put them on our sites.

There’s many things that slightly irritate me. I can’t say I’m enraged in life as Ball Licker Bill is, but there’s just a few things that i would like to get off my chest once in a while. And since I’m doing a million things at once during the radio show, I never get everything that’s on my mind out in the open. So why not take it to the internets…ya?

One of my recent pet peeves is the over-posted ‘Instagram’ shots of coffee cups. Good lord, we get it: you like coffee. But I really don’t think it’s the fact that you are tired and this is your savior, as much as you want to connect with the millions of other people that have done it already. I get it, it’s a fad. But really, its been done a million times over. Move on already.

How many times do i need to see a Starbucks cup of coffee with a cool & hip filter added to it. I might as well take a picture of my car keys or toothbrush. And it’s even worse now that Facebook bought Instagram. Now I get to see even more shots of coffee cups in my daily feed. Awesome.

If your response is, “Well if you hate it so much, don’t check your feed anymore.” Seriously, Im close to that. The question of ‘Why do I still have a Facebook page?’ goes through my head more and more everyday. But I will admit, without a Facebook page and the keeping up with the daily feed, there is a serious disconnect from the outside world. It’s pretty scary and pathetic isn’t it? I do like to stay up on current events, buzzworthy news, and what my oversea friends are up to. Something as easy as one-click and finding all of that out in 5-10 minutes saves me a lot of time…as opposed to visiting multiple viral sites, news sites, and emailing a hundred people everyday. So that’s my justification of keeping the page and fueling the addiction to check it everyday. Plus the promotional tool that it provides is still the best out there. I’m even gonna bet you’re reading this right now because of finding it on Facebook.

So yes, it’s a love and hate relationship that I’m sure I’m not the only one going through. The only thing I can do is except it and venti. (Get it? Vent-i)…okay I’m done.

Captain Kaos makes his TMN debut! Early footage from On Tracy Lane trip to Greenland, Captain Kaos and his sidekick Chinababy invade the streets of St. Louis and Forest Park, Darryn and Howie have fun at drive-thrus, street mayhem with Darryn, a hidden camera job interview gone wrong, interviews with musician/entrepreneur Steve Ewing (The Urge) and ‘A Fall from Grace’ update with co-writer/producer Eric Wilkinson.

Original Air Date: April 26, 2012

Below is the interview Darryn conducted with Brian as well as his St. Louis Crimestoppers billboard image. If you have any information regarding Brian’s whereabouts or just want to post your thoughts about Brian, contact TMN. We hope that this footage may help someone come forward with information on his whereabouts.

Sources: KDSK, Riverfront Times

Mirror Mirror

This week I went to see Mirror Mirror starring Julia Roberts, Lily Collins, Armie Hammer, Nathan Lane, and a cast of other phenomenal actors. Here’s what I have to say.

I am developing my own rating system. The highest will be, “Even I would pay full price”, “I’m glad I only paid to see the matinee”, “Let someone else pay for you to see it”, “Wait until it’s on your choice of cable or satellite service and get it On Demand”, or “Wait until this movie is out in your local Red Box”. Mirror Mirror is one that I paid to see on the matinee scale, but one I would happily pay full price to see if I want to go and see it again.

The movie is a retelling of the Grimm fairy tale of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. In 1937, Walt Disney introduced us to Snow White, the seven dwarfs, the evil queen, and the magic mirror who was summoned using the timeless quote “Mirror mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?” Jump forward several decades and a whole lot has changed. With shows like “Once Upon a Time, Mirror Mirror, and Snow White and the Huntsman (Released later this summer), the times have changed and so too has our heroine.

The queen is still beautiful, to a degree. It’s been a long time since Julia made her notoriety in “Pretty Woman” where the world fell in love with her looks and her talent. Here, she plays one of my favorite villainesses of all time and does it with a flair that would and might quite easily put her either in the ranks or back in the ranks of one of the gay community’s much beloved actresses that some gay men want to imitate and even emulate.

The plot is relatively simple. It has the same basic elements of the original tale. King and queen want a baby, they have one. Her hair is black, her skin white as snow. Queen dies during childbirth leaving the king to raise the child on his own. King marries again, this time to a beautiful woman who “enchants” him. Rumors of evil abound and he goes off to thwart said evil. He dies under mysterious circumstances. Ten years later, Snow (played by Lily Collins, daughter of Genesis front man Phil Collins) is eighteen years old. “Her hair is not black, it’s raven and she’s eighteen years old and her skin has never seen the sun so of course it’s good.” Says the queen when she goes to accept the fact that the prince, (Hammer) is somewhat smitten after having just met Snow. This enrages the queen who of course, in the fine tradition of eliminating one’s opposition, has her banished to the woods where she is to be killed.

Knocked out by the strong arm of a tree branch, Snow awakens to meet the dwarves of this film named Napoleon, Half Pint, Grub, Grimm, Wolf, Chuckles, and Butcher. They agree to take her in and teach her how to become one of them because dwarves are no longer miners for the king. They are now petty thieves who steal not only to survive, but to get back at those who shunned them because the queen said they were ugly. The prince meanwhile is having to contend with the queen trying to marry him. He doesn’t love her because she’s nowhere near his age or as beautiful as Snow White. I think we all know where the story goes from here, so I’ll leave the synopsis here.

What I will say is this. With a running time of one hour and forty six minutes, the film wastes no time at all. It starts with Julia telling us a story, and ends with Julia telling us the end of the story. There is a fine story here that can keep pre-teens, teens, and most definitely adults more than interested. There’s comedy, romance, a tiny bit of dramatic turn, great lines to remember and imitate, characters to love, hate, feel kind of sorry for, and depending on what your view on villainy is, love or love to hate.

So again, my view and review are both surprisingly positive. I would happily pay full price and will tell you that if you can afford ridiculous prices for movie outings that require a small government loan to see a movie and afford the concession stand prices, go and see this movie at full price.

Darryn and the Decorators return after a month break and go through another TMN Roll Call, Darryn discusses Joaquin Phoenix’s mockumentary “I’m Still Here,” a TMN Rock Report with Bryan Shaw discusses the upcoming Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions, why some bands are not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and the 80′s Song of the Day.

Mark Bland from The Q gets a call from The Decorators and discuss a fast food pet peeve, the newest female Decorator Amber Moss has a StL Cardinals report, Ben Ehlenbeck calls in with a Sports report, and the show wraps up with Thoughts to Leave By.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Mark Bland from The Q gets a call from The Decorators and discuss a fast food pet peeve, the newest female Decorator Amber Moss has a StL Cardinals report, Ben Ehlenbeck calls in with a Sports report, and the show wraps up with Thoughts to Leave By.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Darryn and the Decorators return after a month break and go through another TMN Roll Call, Darryn discusses Joaquin Phoenix’s mockumentary “I’m Still Here,” a TMN Rock Report with Bryan Shaw discusses the upcoming Rock and Roll Hall of Fame inductions, why some bands are not in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and the 80′s Song of the Day.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

pic.twitter.com/TM8fwOC8

The Hunger Games

Okay I’ve noticed that lately I’ve reviewed movies that I either wanted to gamble on and won, or shows that I’ve loved and gave positive reviews for. This hurt what was left of my feelings and left me feeling empty inside. So with that in mind I had to choose a movie where I would walk away feeling as though my life had been drained and I could walk out wondering where the amount of time spent was time so wasted that even bitching about not getting said time back would be a wasted and vain effort. And I am pleased to say that one such movie exists. It’s called Boredom Games. No, no that’s not right. What the hell were they thinking Games? No, still not right. I think it was actually called The Hunger Games. Yes, that’s the one. The Hunger Games, where if you’re a teenager, a one brain cell functioning homo, or a half brain cell working adult with nothing better to do with their lives, you’ll find this drivel to be entertainment. But for those of us with better things to do such as plunge ice picks into our eardrums while pepper spraying our eyes, and then rending our clothes while we gnash our teeth because we had to see this crap for one reason or another (And no, there isn’t a man in this world worth saying he would give me the best night of sexual pleasure if I were to see this with him that exists)while other brainless and easily entertained nimrods found it so engrossing that they want to see the sequel followed by the sequel. Only three other movies has bored me to this extreme. Once was Harry Potter and the Deathly Boredom, wait Hollows part one, and “Twilight” up to Breaking Dawn Part One which only bored me to a certain degree.

When seeing a movie as boring as this, I am often asked to describe in my own words how bad it was. To that effect, I created the “Blah, blah, blah” system. This is a simple system whereupon I imitate the actors to the very best of my abiliuty. But I refuse to do any committing of lines to memory, so I use the blah, blah, blah and add different emotions, and sometimes pretend to take off my shirt to convey that I am the love interest for the female blah-blah who gets imitated in a brainless bimbo kid of way.

So aside from the obvious, how bad was this movie? Set in a post apocalyptic world (In my day we did things differently. Domed cities and population control where you sacrificed yourself at thirty, damned dirty apes took over the world, Soylent Green was really man, you know the good old days where teenagers were thought to be hippies who wanted to burn bras and smoke weed while going to weekend long concerts and have sex in the mud. Nothe America is now split into several districts (And no, this is not an original idea. God discovered that when he named all of the people and added “ites” to their name). The Hunger Games are an annual event in which one boy and one girl aged 12 to 18 from each of the 12 districts surrounding the Capitol are selected by lottery to compete in a televised battle in which only one person can survive. Again not very original. Arnold did it first in The Running Man (another snooze fest designed to appease the masses)

The story follows 16-year-old Katniss Everdeen (played by Jennifer Lawrence who with some luck will grow up and be a much better actress and play in movies that I will want o go and see), a girl from District 12 who volunteers for the 74th annual Hunger Games in place of her younger sister, Primrose. Also selected from District 12 is Peeta Mellark (played by Josh Hutcherson who might go on to do the same. Maybe he’ll even play someone I don’t want to see die. Stranger things have happened.), a baker’s son whom Katniss knows from school, and who once gave her bread when her family was starving. This is an imortant memory because it plays into the whole “who will I eventually fall in love with” nonsense that keeps teenage girls literate.

Katniss and Peeta are taken to the Capitol where their drunken mentor, Haymitch Abernathy (here played by a still trying to pass as a decent actor Woody Harrelson), victor of the 50th Hunger Games, instructs them to watch and learn the talents of the other tributes. They are then publicly displayed to the Capitol audience in a televised session with interviewer Caesar Flickerman (played with some relish and a little bit too much homosexual overtone Stanley Tucci and his on air co host Claudius Templesmith played by the irreverant Tboy Jones).

During this time, Peeta reveals on-air his long-time unrequited love for Katniss. Katniss believes this to be a ploy to gain audience support for the Games, which can be crucial for survival, as audience members are encouraged to send gifts like food, medicine, and tools to favored tributes during the Games. The Games begin with 11 of the 24 tributes killed in the first day. I actually hoped this would make the movie shorter, however, much to my dismay, it allowed for other bad teenage actors to display their Lord of the Flies tendencies with less than admirable results.) Katniss relies on her well-practiced hunting and outdoor skills to survive. As the games continue, the tribute death toll increases. This is largely due to the fact that ratings are going into the toilet and Seneca Crane (played by Wes Bentley who has in fact looked hotter in his other handful of moviea and literally looks as if victim is written in his face because of his fanciful and curly while trimmed beard) needs to move things along. He fails miserably of course which is why (Spoiler alert!) He will be given poison berries by the man in charge President Snow (played by a one time screen legend now in need of a paycheck Donald Sutherland) who dislikes irony, hates the underdog in every way, and makes it a point when you see him on screen to remind you that he alone made you and he will definitely break you.

A few days later, Katniss develops an alliance with Rue (played by Amandla Stenberg the only interesting character in the movie who Spoiler Alert! Dies), a 12-year-old girl from the agricultural District 11 who reminds Katniss of her sister Prim. The alliance is short-lived: Rue is killed by another tribute. At Rue’s request Katniss sings to her, then spreads flowers over her body as a sign of respect and of disgust towards the Capitol. I can tell you right now that President Snow is like me, fool him once shame on him. Fool him twice, shame on you. There is no fooling him a third time. Although, if he is in the other two books and other two soon to be made movies, this rule will not be adhered to and he will have to deal with being fooled.

Supposedly due to Katniss and Peeta’s beloved image in the minds of the audience as “star-crossed lovers”, a rule change is announced midway through the Games, stating that two tributes from the same district can win the Hunger Games as a pair. Upon hearing this, Katniss searches for Peeta and eventually finds him wounded. As she nurses him back to health, she acts the part of a young girl falling in love to gain more favor with the audience and, consequently, gifts from her sponsors. This is probably the only decent acting done in the entire movie by either of these two characters and yet I was still so bored that I wanted sex in the theater to be allowed so that I could find any other form of entertainment. When the couple is finally the last two tributes, the Game makers reverse the rule change in an attempt to force them into a dramatic finale, where one must kill the other to win. Katniss, knowing that the Gamemakers would rather have two victors than none, retrieves highly poisonous berries known as “nightlock” from her pouch and offers some to Peeta. Upon realizing that Katniss and Peeta intend to commit suicide, the Gamemakers announce that both will be the victors of the 74th Hunger Games.

Although she survives the ordeal in the arena and is treated to a hero’s welcome in the Capitol, Katniss is warned by Haymitch that she has now become a political target after defying her society’s authoritarian leaders so publicly. Afterwards, Peeta is heartbroken when he learns that Katniss’s actions in the arena were part of a calculated ploy to earn sympathy from the audience. However, Katniss is unsure of her own feelings, and realizes that she is dreading the moment when she and Peeta will go their separate ways.

So there you have it kids. The plot all nice and wrapped up for you including spoilers as to who might live, who might die, and who will make you question the reason you spent your money to support the ongoing efforts to make this the number one movie in America. All I have to ask you is why? Why would you demean yourselves the way I had to for the sake of reviewing a movie to actually hand over your money to theater owners and employees so that Hollywood can confirm what should have been abolished when Twilight first took to script pages and then filmed. There are other movies out there to go and see that might be less painful to your sensibility of you actually have any. It is the opinion of this never paid and now owner of less money for having seen this because I had to pay to see it because there was in fact no man I knew willing to go to bed with me or take me to bed if I went and saw this with them as it would have cost them a night of unbridled and rough and sweaty sex as an offering of apology to appease me and keep me as a friend. Several big names offered their talents to this movie and it fell upon a cold and icy heart, which saddens me because I love Tucci, Jones, and Sutherland. Oh and look for Elizabeth Banks, a usually talented actress who dons terrible makeup and bad clothes. She doesn’t help either. I will only watch this movie again in my life if Lenny Kravitz, who played the only watchable character in this tripe, literally does offer to come over and make me a happy man.

So until next time kids, this movie doesn’t even get to fall into my rating system, which is sad because I now know some of you will go out and see it to defy my warnings, have already seen it and are looking to debate with me on how great you thought it was and how my senses must have been hindered by my unwillingness to give some movies a chance. This is Ball Licker Bill saying that Dark Shadows is coming, and with it a very heated and hostile review.

Voting has closed but you can still check out these awesome bands!

The Mayhem Network is hosting a weekly battle for ‘Indie’ artists. Every week or so, we will post a group of artists and their songs. The artists with the most votes will get an interview on The Darryn Yates Show (Online Radio and Podcast) and have a chance to be on The Mayhem Network television show. So check out this weeks’ artists and vote below or at our Facebook page (facebook.com/themayhemnetwork). Be sure to LIKE us on Facebook after you vote!!

The Many Colored Death

Song: A Many Colored Death
Hometown: Columbia, MO
Website: facebook.com/themanycoloreddeath

Songs of Water

Song: Stars and Dust
Hometown: Greensboro, NC
Website: www.songsofwater.com

Full Net

Song: Phil
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Website: facebook.com/fullnetband

Just Visiting NYC

Song: Life in a Shoebox
Hometown: Queens NY
Website: justvisitingnyc.com

Vote for your favorite band/song on the sidebar or on the TMN Facebook page!

themayhemnetwork.com/tv/tmn-debut-episode

RocknRolla

This week my friends I was supposed to be given another movie. Well I have what’s known as the twenty rule. Within a span of time dealing with the number twenty, i.e. seconds, minutes, hours, etc,. whatever I’ve asked of you must be done. If not, I take matters into my own hands. So when Damn You Damon had failed to give me my movie for the week, I took the initiative to choose my own. Yes, yes, I know. This a dangerous thing. The idea of leaving the infamous Ball Licker the chance to choose his own movie has got to be frightening. As I am an archaic, seemingly antique loving kind of guy what would I review? Das Rheingold, a fifteen hour opera? Would it have been a slew of gay themed movies dealing with stereotypes that would have made Zachzilla’s argument about conversion stronger? Or would it have been some antique black and white movie with the option of being silent or talkie, but nonetheless still as ancient as the day can be long? Well I’m pleased to announce that none of the above were my choice and that my choice will mark the first of what might be a new trend. Oh I’ll still be assigned movies that will make me cringe, want to gouge out my eyes and check to see if the sanity meter is still at least on half. But just every now and then there might be a movie worth seeing. And this week’s choice, RocknRolla, a film directed by the incredibly talented Guy Ritchie (and yes, I do kind of have a physical crush kind of thing going on with him) was my own personal choice.

Made in 2008, not much of a current mainstream I know but forgive me if I take time to catch up, this classic comedy/action/thriller boasts some of the best talent that the European countries has to offer. Gerard Butler, a singular talent known for playing rough and tough guy roles, Tom Wilkinson, who for many years has single handedly managed to perfect the art of playing villainous gentlemen with a penchant for heavy hands and sometimes foul language, Thandie Newton, a woman known for the silver screen and television, Mark Strong, a man noteworthy for playing whatever kind of villain you need, Idris Elba, most recognized if you’ve recently seen Thor, Tom Hardy, a man making his name more household with a string of classic films and some that have bombed due to lack of good taste in the world, Toby Kebbell who you might have seen in Disney’s the Sorcerer’s Apprentice as he lackeyed for Alfred Molina with a bit of magical flair, Jeremy Piven and Ludacris round out this knockout cast.

So what’s it all about? Lenny Cole (Wilkinson), a London mob boss, *Though to hear him describe himself, he is not a gangster, he’s merely old school business) puts the bite on all local real estate transactions. Basically, he takes what he wants, when he wants it, and sets out to remind you, sometimes painfully as he holds on to parts of your body assertively as he makes his points. For substantial fees, he’s helping Uri Omovich, a Russian developer. Uris is what the preview would have described as New School. But as the movie progresses and Uri is hindered by the loss of his painting, his treacherous accountant (Newton), and a couple of robberies masterminded by the accountant and pulled off by One-Two (Butler), Mumbles (Elba) and Handsome Bob (Hardy). As a sign of good faith, Omovich loans Cole a valuable painting, promptly stolen off Cole’s wall. This painting, like the diamond in Snatch, is one of the key focal points in the film. And watching where it goes, as it goes from one person to the next, isn’t a distraction, but an anchor so you don’t get swept away by all of the other craziness that ensues. While Cole’s men, led by the dependable Archie (Strong), look for the canvas, three local petty criminals, the Wild Bunch (Butler, Elba, and Hardy), steal money and wreak havoc in one way or another. Meanwhile, a local drug-addled rocker, Johnny Quid (Kebbell), is reported drowned, and his connection to Cole is the key to unraveling the deceits and double crosses of life in the underworld.

Why see this movie? It is my humbled opinion that Guy Ritchie has yet to make a movie that you don’t find yourself caught up in. He grabs you forcefully by whatever body part he can get and takes you on whirlwind adventures, or in many cases misadventures, and gently spoon feeds you the darkest, grittiest, and sometimes nastiest slices of real life that exist even if we choose to think they don’t just because Hollywood says it might. Never a huge fan oif action films, I find myself drawn to his movies because he adds edges of comedy, drama, even suspense. You watch these movies, many creeping into the two hour mark, and you walk away feeling as though you got your money’s worth and hope that the characters he created will come back and thrill you again. Such was this movie, as was his Sherlock Holmes renditions where the good detective got a much needed kick in the pants. Was it worth it? Yes, many times over. I will be adding this to my collection of films as he’s only made eleven in all, eight being mainstream films. If I was to recommend other movies from this silent force to be reckoned with I would say Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, this movie of course, both Sherlock Holmes, oh what the hell? If you can find them on Netflix, by all means add them to your queue.

Soon the Decorators will be sending me out into the theaters to watch more modern day movies. They will of course be reviewed with all the fairness I can give as it is my goal to become the Simon Cowell/Gordon Ramsey of the film critic corner so long as the Decorators, and you my faithful friends will allow me to wow you, anger you, confuse you, and inform you as to what’s good, what’s bad, and what should have been shelved before it was ever conceived. Until next week, make my chips Cool Ranch Doritos and my drink a Coke Zero,

And while the episode plays, let us know what you think!! Make comments below, share on Facebook and Twitter, or tell the TMN crew personally what you think by calling the Mayhem Line at 218-2-MAYHEM (218-262-9436)!! We wanna hear from the lovers and haters!

The show wraps up with a TMN Rock Report with Bryan Shaw and Thoughts to Leave By.

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Howie gets his own segment, Hangin with Howie, and discusses something about food, BallLicker Bill rants about open-mindedness about homosexuality and follows up with a prank call to Kmart, and Mac Harde is reved up about the new movie ‘The Hunger Games.’

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‘The Q’ host Mark Bland calls into The Darryn Yates Show to rant about Taco Bell, Darryn introduces his Margaret voice and does the show’s first prank phone call, followed by Howie’s prank call to Denny’s, the 80′s Song of the Day, and Seducing Savannah’s Sexy Situation discusses what you should not do on the first date.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Darryn and the Decorators celebrate their 2nd ‘somewhat clean’ show!! This segment includes TMN Roll Call, a Yater-Icebreaker rant about sports salaries, Darryn recalls several predictions he made on the previous show, and an interview with a new band Worth While.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Here are a few quick sneak peeks of the show:

Hung Howie wonders if Denny’s has any special pancakes or promotions for children.

BallLicker Bill calls Kmart and asks if they are open on Easter Sunday.

Listen to the rest of the show and previous shows on iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Phoenix rock band Defy Tolerance gets Skyped in for an interview, Sports with DamnYou Damon, the most powerful lez Mac Harde gets Skyped in, BallLicker Bill reviews the movie ‘Trash Humpers’, and Thoughts to Leave By.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Seducing Savannah, the newest female Decorator, is officially introduced and asks a relationship question to the Decorators, a failed attempt at the first Skype video call with Defy Tolerance, another Bryan Shaw TMN Rock Report from Vegas, BallLicker Bill’s rant on Johnny Depp, and the crew ends with 5 minutes of uncensored mayhem!

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

The Darryn Yates Show does it’s first (somewhat) clean show!! The Decorators wonder what words they can and can’t say, go through a VERY long TMN Roll Call, Seducing Savannah is introduced, a new segment called the Yater Icebreaker where Darryn discusses the Howard Stern St. Louis diss, and Darryn’s Song of the Day.

To get The Darryn Yates Show podcast sent directly to your computer, subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Here’s a clip from last weeks The Darryn Yates Show. Listen to the rest of the show and previous shows on iTunes: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Subscribe here: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Trash Humpers

**Warning: Explicit Content**

Recently Darryn Yates and Jay Hanks had lunch with Jeremy Corray, supervising producer of the Voltron Force cartoon series. And during that lunch it may or may not have slipped out that the members of The Mayhem Network assigned weekly films for me, your ball licking homo to watch. It might have even been implied that the idea was to give me the worst movies to watch to see what I will say. Well played Mr. Corray, well played. Because of Mr. Corray, Darryn was the sick b***ard to assign my movie for the week. It’s name?

“Trash Humpers”

This is not a joke. This is not a lie. This is an actual “film” if film can be applied to this travesty. So bad was this movie that after enduring the one hour and fourteen minutes, I did what any reasonably sensible person would have done, I turned to anywhere on the Internet that would have or could have helped me to understand where something that uttered such phrases as:

“Get that trash p***y.” (And here you must understand that p***y was not meant to be insulting to the man doing the trash humping, but refers to the trash as being the colorful metaphor for a woman’s vagina.)

“Where them pancakes b***h?” (And this is a question asked after two men who have been badly conjoined at their heads, are arguing over whether or not you put butter in the skillet or on the mix when making pancakes.)

“I want to see you swallow b***h.” (Please note that sections of a stack of pancakes that have been covered in dishwashing liquid is fed to the conjoined twins. As to whether or not they ate it is of no real consequence.)

I was not impressed with what I read anymore than what I was forced to watch. So bad was this movie, that I actually paused it several times to walk away from my computer and tell my housemates that I was glad that though I had bought the usual sacrifice to my diet, I’m glad I didn’t waste the chips and soda on this movie. (I’m saving them for a better movie. And trust me even the remake of Arthur, though horrendous thanks to Russel Brand, would have been a better assignment given how s***ty it was.)

Aside from the afore mentioned lines, what other atrocities, as this is the most sensible and applicable word to use here, were able to stand out? A man literally stroking what could have been his own c**k, oral sex given to tree leaves, three hookers on a bed wagging their asses at the camera and two of the four elderly abominations, wheelchair sex with an overweight hooker who wants to know if a c**k is still hard after having been sucked, Christmas carols (Silent Night) sung to the hookers by one of the characters, house humping, electric pole humping, jerking trees and weeds off, the list of seemingly meant to shock or entertain scenes could go on. We even had a soundtrack to the film including such songs as:

1. “Trashy Torch Song Lullaby”
2. “Rumble”
3. “Night Time”
4. “Three Little Devils” (This was the song where we got to see the pale, naked, and seemingly bloated unconscious or dead body. I can only hope that it was staged and places even though I can safely say I have seen another set of balls I will not lick.)
5. “Chitshit”
6. “Kitchen Strangulation”
7. “You Girls Juss Suck Large Fat P***s” (Yes, this one was a personal favorite. It was accompanied by guitar.)
8. “Sweet Night”
9. “Sleep My Darlin”

But perhaps the most disturbing scene was when these people played basketball with a short rotund (And I’m being nice by saying rotund) kid with glasses who then demonstrates to them how you can kill a babies doll using a plastic bag to suffocate it and shake it all at the same time to laying it on the ground and smacking it with a hammer announcing that he would show us how to kill it. I’m not sure who needs therapy more. The child who needs to drop a hundred pounds and eventually get a life up to and including having sex with either the opposite sex or same sex. Or me, who is already seeing a psychologist, psychiatrist, and am in desperate need of same sex b**t sex.

I have often said that with any movie that these guys force me to watchm if you choose to ignore me and watch these movies anyway you do so at your own peril. But never, in my life, other than the few times I had engaged in heterosexual sex, has an hour and fourteen minutes seemed like an eternity. Having once seen Ken Russel’s “Tommy” as well as his 1982 blunder Salome’s Last Dance where we see Oscar Wilde arrested for the murder of an actor in a play he goes to see, I actually thought I was safe from having to see movies this bad. Rotten Tomatoes, the web site devoted to exposing garbage to the attention of movie goers to avoid, must have decided that this movie was well beyond the scope of even their ability to trash it. I envy them if they avoided this. However this was discovered by Mr. Corray, who decided to pass it along like the Dream Curse set of episodes in Dark Shadows, or The Ring, I now pass this on to you so that whatever sanity I might have left can be returned.

What do the Decorators have in store for me next? I have no idea, truly I don’t. But I will say that even they never cease to amaze me. I fear that they will come to you my friends, my fans, and ask you to pick the movie. But, even I have to admit that sooner or later, even they’ll eventually run out of truly terrible movies.

The Darryn Yates show took a break this week to shoot video promos for the upcoming The Mayhem Network TV debut! The show will return live this Saturday.

The Darryn Yates Show will stream LIVE on March 17 from 11 am – 12 noon. (central time) Darryn and the Decorators have decided to attempt their 1st 100% clean show. We shall see how that goes.

The show will feature the introduction of new co-host Seducing Savannah, Bryan Shaw (MFN Rocks) with the entertainment report, Ben Ehlenbeck and Damon Yates with sports, call-ins, current event discussion, rants, surprise topics, and the normal mayhem from Beaver Wallass, Jammin Jay, Hung Howie, BallLicker Bill, Damn You Damon, and Zachzilla.

The call-ins will be from 11:40-11:50 (central time) and you can ask or comment on anything. (all inappropriate content will be immediately dismissed). Don’t miss The Darryn Yates Show on The Mayhem Network this Sat. March 17 at 11 am!

HERE’s THE LIVE STREAM LINK:

themayhemnetwork.com/thedarrynyatesshow/live-stream

To listen to the previous library of episodes, go to our podcast page:

itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

The Mayhem Network is hosting a weekly battle for ‘Indie’ artists. Every week or so, we will post a group of artists and their songs. The artists with the most votes will get an interview on The Darryn Yates Show (Online Radio and Podcast) and have a chance to be on The Mayhem Network television show. So check out this weeks’ artists and vote below or at our Facebook page (facebook.com/themayhemnetwork). Be sure to LIKE us on Facebook after you vote!!

The voting has ended. You can still listen to these artists below and check out their pages:

Omogo Reloaded

Song: Gberemide
Hometown: South Bend, IN
Website: www.reverbnation.com/omogo

Tyler Boone

Song: All of This
Hometown: Charleston, SC
Website: www.myspace.com/tylerboonemusic

Darren McGovern

Song: How to Love
Hometown: Los Angeles, CA (Granite City Native)
Website: www.darrenmcgovern.com/

Fivefold

Song: Flawless
Hometown: St. Louis, MO
Website: www.facebook.com/FivefoldRock

Vote for your favorite band/song on the toolbar or on the TMN Facebook page!

www.facebook.com/themayhemnetwork

Usually, as a general rule of thumb and a routine, I eat junk food of some kind when sitting down to watch a movie whether of my own free will or when assigned to me by the members of the Mayhem Network. After last week’s review, I felt it would be democratically fair to the Rogues Gallery if each week one individual as opposed to the whole group got to pick the movie of choice. This would save debates and allow me to get a review out every week. Though once some floodgates are opened and can never be closed, these floodgates are now broken and my metropolis has been flooded. I say this because Jerry was my master for the week and his film of choice to torment me with was Justin Bieber’s “Never say Never”. This of course foiled my plans because what does one eat while watching the concert movie of an eighteen year old sexually repressed Canadian who has had everything questioned from his talent to his sexuality. This did propose a dilemma for your ball licking homo.

In the end I opted not to eat on the off chance that I would lose any and all of my appetite. I am happy to say that I did the right thing. This review will be an honest one filled with a series of contradictions that are going to be unavoidable, with a conclusion that will defend what dignity I have left after enduring the one hour and forty five minutes (Because yes, I felt the need to go ahead and watch the entire thing including credits) that Paramount studios, looking to make a few extra bucks from all the screaming little bitches in the world spent in seeing this movie whether in 2d or 3d where it was applicable.

In 1997 the obscure video music channel VH1 debuted a series called Behind the Music. In this rather evocative and sometimes provocative series, we learned the rise and sometimes fall of several groups and or musicians. Why would I take the time to mention this show? Simple really. In one hour (forty minutes after commercials) I learned whatever was deemed necessary to know about an artist. Their childhood, their struggle, their rise to fame, and as I said before, sometimes even their fall from grace. I didn’t need to sit through a feature film that focused on the culmination of one year of running around pleasing a group of screaming girls who all vied for the attention of one person. I didn’t have to endure quips about how this problematic (In so much as I have young cousins and a niece who seem to be fond of this flippant little piss ant) flips his hair in one fashion or another. In my day Cher did the exact same thing and added a little style to it. I assure you that none of us were screaming, wetting ourselves, or threatening to mutilate or kill other fans who wanted the chance to see her do it live. But then again, in this day and age there might be a few fags out there willing to scratch out my eyes for saying that they wouldn’t be willing to go that far. Or listen to mundane and even megalomaniacal pats to ones back because they were a part of some sensation who seemingly (At least that’s what I gathered from this) didn’t have to work all that hard to get where he got because he had one advantage most singers did not in their day when they were actually struggling and working. He had the Internet and YouTube to help him rise to fame.

Was there a redeeming value to this documentary? Yes. Several redeeming values to be precise and I shall list them here. I thought it was going to be a concert movie. Happily it was a documentary striving to humanize this little bastard who now sells fragrance and has a cut out of himself in windows of Macy department stores around the country. Thankfully there was some focus on his relatives and his friends, though not enough in my opinion. His mother is devoted, of course. His friends are supportive, as need be the case. He has an entourage of adults that keep him in line to the best of their ability. .And the most redeeming of all, aside from the fact that after one hour and forty five minutes there were end credits, Justin Bieber is in fact a human being who strives to have normalcy in a world where such a concept is forbidden because once you cross a certain line, there are times when you can never look back. I curse the final twenty three minutes of the movie as I curse Jerry, the cause of my desire to go on a rampage. I had to endure at least three full songs.

Would I condemn this movie as much as I did last week’s review? I would love to tell you yes. I would love to say that in the end I wanted to gouge out my eyes and bust the ear drums that had to endure the pointless ramblings of psychotic teenagers and young girls. But hearing my friend Case sing along with one of the songs and then trying to deny it helped to make it tolerable because it goes to show that contrary to popular female belief, not all gay men have taste. In the end, providing you have absolutely no chance of becoming a productive member of the human race much less society, by all means run out and rent this, or order it from Netflix, which is where I understand Jerry got the idea. But if you really want to know about a musician, or even a group with whom you have a fondness for, may I suggest one of several options. One, go and watch Behind the Music. Two, go onto the Internet and look them up. Wikipedia will be more than happy to fill your empty heads with as much useless information as you might need. They even now have web sites devoted to these artists. Or, and this is the hardest in many cases, become a close and personal friend to a talented artist as I did. Darryn Yates, Jerry McFarland, and the other sometimes rotating members of On Tracy Lane are a multi talented and versatile group. From their efforts came The Mayhem Network and The Darryn Yates Show, both of which I am fortunate to be a part of.

Next week looms over my head as Damn You Damon Yates will be my guide through another possibly torturous movie. Until then my beloved fans, go and watch something worth a bag of chips and a 1.25 or 1.5 liter bottle of soda. But if you choose to watch this movie, I highly recommend a fifth of the strongest, alcohol poisoning liquor available as a near death experience would be less painful.

Kenny Powers MFCEO of K-Swiss Unveils His Greatest Creation

Douchebag Siri: the Fixed Apple iPhone Rock God Commercial

Sasha Baron Cohen Spills King Jong Il on Ryan Seacrest

Entire Music Video Filmed by a Dog

Funny Reaction To Hospital Drugs

Movie: The Movie – Starring: EVERYONE

DUE TO AN ERROR MADE BY INTERN KEITH CANK, THE SHOW’S FEED WAS RECORDED FROM THE WRONG INPUT. THE AUDIO QUALITY IS LOW AND THERE ARE NO SOUND EFFECTS. SOME SELECTIONS OF MUSIC WERE DUBBED IN POST. KEITH HAS BE REPRIMANDED, AND THE AUDIO QUALITY OF THE SHOW WILL NEVER BE THIS LOW AGAIN. THANK YOU.

DUE TO AN ERROR MADE BY INTERN KEITH CANK, THE SHOW’S FEED WAS RECORDED FROM THE WRONG INPUT. THE AUDIO QUALITY IS LOW AND THERE ARE NO SOUND EFFECTS. SOME SELECTIONS OF MUSIC WERE DUBBED IN POST. KEITH HAS BE REPRIMANDED, AND THE AUDIO QUALITY OF THE SHOW WILL NEVER BE THIS LOW AGAIN. THANK YOU.

DUE TO AN ERROR MADE BY INTERN KEITH CANK, THE SHOW’S FEED WAS RECORDED FROM THE WRONG INPUT. THE AUDIO QUALITY IS LOW AND THERE ARE NO SOUND EFFECTS. SOME SELECTIONS OF MUSIC WERE DUBBED IN POST. KEITH HAS BE REPRIMANDED, AND THE AUDIO QUALITY OF THE SHOW WILL NEVER BE THIS LOW AGAIN. THANK YOU.

The Darryn Yates Show #5 brings yet another sausage fest, with no female Decorators in-attendance. Darryn and the rest of the Decorators kick off the show with TMN Roll Call, Darryn’s rant about American Idol, The 80′s Song of the Week, and Ball Licker Bill reviews ‘The Human Centipede.’

B@#l-Licker Bill from The Darryn Yates Show reviews:

The Human Centipede

Recently the lunatics at The Mayhem Network and I came up with an idea. I told them that if they chose a movie, I would watch it and offer a review of said movie on The Darryn Yates Show on Saturday mornings. Not thinking these guys would make my first movie one that would tax my nerves and ask me if they had just bad taste or a diabolical sense of humor, I discovered during the watching of this movie that they had both.

The film opens with Dr. Hieter (played by Dieter Laser) looking at pictures of his (we will soon learn) beloved animals and gently stroking the pictures. Oddly enough these dogs are pictured with their noses in each other’s asses. A large truck pulls up behind the good doctor and a heavy set man goes off to take what will be his last dump, for the doctor it would seem is a serial killer and shoots him. Cut to two young women (Can anyone tell me why it is that only American women in foreign lands fall prey to and become victims of these psychos? Aren’t there men who are just as stupid because they think with their dicks as opposed to their brains?) These women have met a hot young German waiter and are looking to party with him (Oh the clichés this movie tosses out in the hope of not insulting you)
And on to another cliché, the two women are driving in, you might have guessed it, the woods! And if you guessed that then guessing that they might be lost should come as no surprise. Add a Wrong Turn, The Hills have eyes remake twist and a flat tire leads us to more cliché induced chaos. Is there no end to this? Yes and no. A fat and ugly German man insisting that he’s seen them in a wank-wank film kindly offers verbally to fuck them both and emphasizes this point by flicking his tongue at them. Oh the horror! Let’s get out of the car and look for a house because we haven’t covered dark woods and houses in the middle of the woods where you can wreak havoc and mayhem without anyone catching you is sure to make an appearance. After a pathetically acted argument that leads to tantrums, all we need is sudden rain and we have all the makings for the plot to reveal itself.

Here comes the rain, there’s the house, and after finally finding the front door, our maniacal villain who looks as if Christopher Walken and Lance Henriksen got together, had passionate butt sex and then made a butt baby, opens the door and “offers” to help. His idea of help is to give them water laced with date rape drugs, make it seem as if he is calling someone, and then springing the trap. Fat trucker is still alive, though not for long, and the women soon realize that they are in the capable hands of a madman. Fat boy has to die because what horror movie made entirely in low budget with bad actors and little to no imagination in plot or special effects would be complete without the non native tongue speaking or even American speaking tourist. This comes in the form of a Japanese man who makes more claims than he can make sense of.

The good doctor then reveals his plan, at what has to be an ingenious attempt to try and act, at length. He has no desire to answer questions as the procedure goes, so he reveals that there will be a head to this human centipede. Attached, rather intricately I might add, to the ass of the head will be the head of the middle of the body. The last of this tortured trio will make the centipedes ass. How you might ask will the two with their mouths literally sewn to the asses eat? I didn’t want to admit to my need to know but didn’t have to because the doctor explains that the head will eat. The head will then shit, thus feeding the middle who will repeat the process. All I will say is that when the poor Japanese bastard does finally have to shit, his apologies almost make up for the rest of the terrible acting. The doctor seems a little too eager to watch the process take place.

Is there more? Yes. Is there an end to this movie and then this review? Yes. And I was thankful for at least one. After the successful procedure is done, we get to witness his vainglorious torture of these three people, culminating in the long overdue and much needed appearance of the police who want to know if the doctor has seen the missing tourists. If you said he lied, you don’t have to watch this movie. If you guessed wrong, you have to watch it for being stupid. He tries to drug the police, one of which is too smart to be drugged, and is almost found out. You desperately wish the film maker would have let this happen to justify the needless money wasted on renting it or the time it took to illegally download it, but alas, no such wish will be granted for you foolish mortal.

The end is a cliché that has been done, redone, raped, raped again, murdered, brought back to life and then sent through the vicious cycle all over again. I want to spoil it for you. But if I do then you won’t feel the need to watch it so that you can see what I have left out in the synopsis of the film or my refusal to tell you how it all ends. I will say though that out of the horror (The horror being that they labeled this a horror film) I did feel badly for one of the characters.

So in all, what would I say about this? I would like to tell you that reliving the first time I got fucked in the ass, and the pain I went through to get to the part where there would be pleasure would have been a decent comparison, but I would rather go through that ordeal all over again before I decide to sit and watch the sequel or any other movie this bad. Many of you will not know the name Fu Manchu, or even Christopher Lee who played the role in a movie, but The Castle of Doctor Fu Manchu would have been easier to watch than this movie. In truth, I would rather watch four hours of lesbian sex scenes in adult porn than have to endure this movie again. It offered nothing but stereotypes and a doctor who needed sunglasses to go outside whether rain or shine. See this movie at your own risk. If a friend or a loved one rents it and tells you that they want you to watch it with them, exact a price that they must pay for making you and don’t sell yourself short. I look forward to the next movie the boys at the Mayhem Network come up with and I will see you next week.

The other thing is play better defended in the third period. They are outscored 16 – 7. With two great goalies in Halal and Elliott, it comes down to the Blues defensive line. We all know the Blues can play great hockey, they just can’t seal the deal on the road. If they can pull it together away from home, then there is no reason the playoffs, and the Stanley Cup shouldn’t be within their grasp.

An example of the ‘Cinnamon Challenge’:

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The voting has ended. You can still listen to these artists below and check out their pages:

The Mayhem Network is hosting a weekly battle for ‘Indie’ artists. Every week or so, we will post a group of artists and their songs. The artists with the most votes will get an interview on The Darryn Yates Show (Online Radio and Podcast) and have a chance to be on The Mayhem Network television show. So check out this weeks’ artists and vote below or at our Facebook page (facebook.com/themayhemnetwork). Be sure to LIKE us on Facebook after you vote!!

Defy Tolerance

Song: Empty Bottle
Hometown: Phoenix, AZ
Website: www.reverbnation.com/defytolerance

Kim Cameron and Side FX

Song: 3 Seconds
Hometown: Washington DC
Website: sidefxband.net

Brion Gamboa

Song: Sorry Came Late
Hometown: Nashville, TN
Website: www.facebook.com/briongamboa

Southern Mischief

Song: September
Hometown: Covington, GA
Website: www.reverbnation.com/southernmischief

Vote for your favorite band/song on the toolbar or on the TMN Facebook page!

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Darryn and Hung Howie decide to prank call the fans who made a fan video of TMN.

Hear the FULL UNcensored Segments from The Darryn Yates Show Podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Darryn and Hung Howie decide to prank call the fans who made a fan video of TMN.

Hear the FULL UNcensored Segments from The Darryn Yates Show Podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Milly fails to do a ‘What Would Milly Do?’ segment, making it her last.

Hear the FULL UNcensored Segments from The Darryn Yates Show Podcast: itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/the-darryn-yates-show-podcast/id500690797

Kate Upton is your Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition Cover Model for 2012. Here’s what we know of Ms. Upton

-She is 19-years-old

-Michigan native

-Models for Victoria Secret

-Rumored to be dating Jets’ quarterback, Mark Sanchez

Upton states “This means so much for me personally. This has always been my dream.” Of the cover photograph, which was shot in Sydney, she said, “In the beginning you’re pretty relaxed, you’re not thinking of new poses and it just feels really natural at that point. At Sports Illustrated everyone’s so nice and it?s like a family, you don’t really think too much into it. I just have a lot of fun and be myself. It just comes so naturally.”

Another installment of Darryn’s 80′s Song of the Week. This week, Darryn picked Firehouse’s ‘Don’t Treat Me Bad.’ What do you think of Darryn’s choice? Do you love it or hate it? Let the Decorators know below!!

Joe Taylor calls in to The Darryn Yates Show on The Mayhem Network to discuss his newest release ‘Anything’s Possible’ and his awesome video for his song ‘All Around the World.’

Joe Taylor- ‘All Around the World’ Music Video

For more info about Joe and his music go to his official site.

www.joetaylorofficial.com

Singer/Songwriter Joe Taylor called in to The Darryn Yates Show on Saturday. Here is his music video for his song ‘All Around the World.’

Check out Joe’s website at www.joetaylorofficial.com